she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
