tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
where am i from again
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
