Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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