Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
