seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
