i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
