I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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