I wannas sexs uuuuu
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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