it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
