A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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