oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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