I accidentally burped into my bong.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
