I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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