I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
