apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
