he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
