Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
