I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
