And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
