Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
