I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
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