Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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