I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
