don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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