Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
