my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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