But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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