My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
