dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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