Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
