Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
