So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
zippers are such a cool invention
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize