Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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