if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
