His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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