Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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