drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize