I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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