I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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