She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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