I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
