Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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