When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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