You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
