Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
