i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
