Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
