We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
