I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
