In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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