worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
