I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
