can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize