I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize