I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize