ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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