when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
