dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
