remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
