Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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