My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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