Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize