I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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