she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
