I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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